David Hess

Perfect Absent Guy

Who would deny a perfect absent guy?
who's never around (can't make you cry)
he could be straight or could be gay
in either case, he'll do as you say

A mess he'll clear up
without even appearing
he'll write you a check
(you can count on it clearing)

Is he your dad or your brother?
your husband or your lover?
he's perfect absent guy
this man's like no other

For instance: he would not hide
diamond rings on his golden body
and think it so goshdarn funny
for this he knows you would not care
(you would have to look in places
that had yet to greet the air)

Stress-free and no conditions
he'll walk your parakeet and do the dishes
take out the trash without your asking
and leave a Thank You note,
now that's multi-tasking!

He'll be there when you want him
bringing roses plus protection
for if a thorn punctures a Trojan
he'll toss it in a jiffy
selecting instead
a Shared Sensation jimmy

If you're cold, he'll give you his sweater
if you're hot, he's programmed to make you wetter
someday he'll wake you with kisses
lull you to sleep with verses and caresses
but not today or tomorrow (that'd be much too quick)
were he to knock on your door
and catch you minus your Monday morning bounce

Every dance you can expect him to know
from the bossa nova to the lively tango
from the two step to the fandango
stepping on toes is not in his vocabulary
catch him in a split-
that's when to ask him to marry

(But search as you might
behind the curtains in your night
his face is a picture
his heart an admixture
of Mad Libs and Scripture)

He's funny and sincere
gets along with every peer
never to take up more space
than a few shelves in the closet
between your pumps
and matching leg brace

Perfect absent guy, he does
everything right
too bad it's not enough
his silhouette looks scrawny
and you requested buff